From People-Pleaser to Self-Advocate: How to Build Stronger Relationships
People-pleasing might seem like a way to keep the peace and show care, but it can quietly erode the foundation of your relationships. In romantic partnerships, friendships, and family ties, constantly putting others’ needs first often comes at the expense of your own emotional well-being. Over time, this pattern can lead to resentment, burnout, and a loss of authentic connection. Research in psychology shows that people-pleasers often sacrifice their true feelings and desires to avoid conflict or abandonment. In fact, as one Chicago therapist notes, excessive people-pleasing “ruins relationships because it’s a misguided lie” – partners can struggle to trust someone who never shows their true needs or opinions.
For Asian-identified individuals, this issue can be even more complex. Cultural values like collectivism and filial piety (deep respect for parents and elders) often praise selflessness and harmony. You might feel pressure to be the “good” son, daughter, or partner by never rocking the boat. However, constantly pleasing others can strain your mental health and relational satisfaction. If you find yourself caught between personal needs and cultural expectations – perhaps nodding along to keep elders happy or saying yes to your spouse to avoid disagreement – this post is for you. We’ll explore how people-pleasing affects different relationships, why it happens (through the lens of attachment theory), and how you can heal these patterns. Using insights from research and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we’ll outline strategies to build healthier, more authentic connections while honoring your values.
People-Pleasing in Romantic Relationships
In a committed relationship, people-pleasing can masquerade as being the “perfect” partner, but it often undermines true intimacy. You might always defer to your partner’s preferences – whether it’s what movie to watch or whose family to visit for the holidays – thinking you’re being loving and accommodating. Yet, when one partner constantly hides their own needs to keep the other happy, it creates an imbalance. Over time, your significant other may sense that something is off. As psychologist Myron Nelson explains, when you never express what you really want or feel, your partner has a hard time trusting the honesty of the relationship. They may wonder, “Are they saying what they truly think, or just what they think I want to hear?” This lack of openness can erode emotional intimacy – the very glue that holds romantic partners together.
Alex always agrees with whatever his wife, Jin, suggests. He goes along with her ideas for weekend plans, avoids telling her when he’s upset, and even downplays his own dreams if he thinks they conflict with hers. Initially, Jin appreciated how “easygoing” Alex seemed – there were no arguments! But as time went on, she noticed Alex rarely shared his true feelings. She started feeling distant, unsure if she really knew him anymore. This is a common people-pleasing trap in romance: avoiding conflict at all costs. By sidestepping honest conversations, people-pleasers hope to keep the relationship smooth. Ironically, this avoidance often backfires. Without authentic communication, trust and emotional intimacy suffer, and minor issues fester into bigger ones.
Research has found that people-pleasing behaviors (like always saying “yes” or never voicing disagreement) are often driven by a deep fear of rejection or abandonment. In romantic contexts, this might stem from low self-esteem or anxious attachment (more on that later), where one believes they must “earn” love by being agreeable. While being supportive is healthy, extreme self-sacrifice can breed resentment and codependency. You might start feeling invisible or exhausted, as though the relationship revolves only around your partner’s needs. In fact, excessive people-pleasing in relationships is linked to burnout and mental health struggles like anxiety or depression. Over time, the pleasing partner may silently accumulate hurt and resentment, which can erupt in unexpected ways or lead to emotional withdrawal.
Communication and boundaries tend to suffer the most in these dynamics. A people-pleasing partner might struggle to set boundaries or say “I need time for myself”, fearing it will upset their loved one. Important conversations get glossed over to “keep the peace.” Unfortunately, this means conflicts don’t get resolved – they get buried. Healthy relationships require both partners to voice their feelings and needs. If you recognize these patterns in your marriage or partnership, know that you’re not alone. Many couples discover that unlearning people-pleasing is key to a more satisfying, trusting partnership. We’ll discuss strategies later on how to start asserting yourself in kind, constructive ways that increase mutual respect and understanding.
People-Pleasing in Friendships
People-pleasing doesn’t only occur with romantic partners – it can heavily impact friendships too. Good friends support each other, share honestly, and respect boundaries. But if you’re a people-pleaser, you might find yourself always being the “dependable one” – the friend who gives and gives listens to everyone’s problems, and never says no to a favor. Your calendar might be packed with helping others move, listening to late-night rants, or doing extra favors at your own expense. On the surface, you seem like the “nicest friend” anyone could ask for. Inside, though, you might feel unappreciated, drained, or like the friendship is one-sided.
One common challenge is that people-pleasers struggle to let friends know when they need support. Maybe you’re going through a hard time, but you don’t want to “burden” anyone – since your role has always been the helper. You might even fear that if you don’t constantly maintain a cheerful, accommodating presence, your friends will leave you. This can lead to profound loneliness. As therapist Angela Wu points out, people-pleasing can rob you of genuine connection. You end up in relationships where others feel close to you, but you don’t feel truly known or supported. You might be the one everyone confides in, yet you hesitate to entrust others with your own vulnerabilities, fearing it might upset them or make them think less of you. Over time, always wearing a “happy, helpful” mask can make you feel like a fraud in your friendships – like your friends love the help you provide, but don’t know the real you.
In friendships, this dynamic can also enable imbalances or even toxic behavior. For example, if a friend frequently cancels plans or asks huge favors, a people-pleaser will likely brush it off and say “no problem!” even when it hurts. By not speaking up, you unintentionally signal that such behavior is okay. The friend may continue taking you for granted, not out of malice, but because they truly don’t realize the impact on you. Since you never voiced discomfort, how would they know? As Wu notes, failing to set boundaries or call out hurtful actions (in an attempt to be “nice”) can actually sustain unhealthy dynamics. The friendship might look peaceful on the surface, but under it lies your suppressed frustration.
Key point: Just as in romance, authenticity and boundaries are essential in friendships. If you identify as a people-pleaser, start noting situations where you say yes out of obligation or fear rather than true enthusiasm. Are there friends who often lean on you, but rarely reciprocate? Do you feel anxious at the thought of telling a friend “I can’t make it” or “I disagree”? These can be signs of an imbalance. The good news is that true friends value you, not just what you do for them. By communicating openly – even if it means politely saying no sometimes – you give your friends a chance to understand you better. You also protect your own well-being, ensuring you have the energy and trust to keep the friendship strong. We’ll cover some healthy communication techniques ahead to help navigate these conversations without guilt.
People-Pleasing in Family Relationships
Family relationships often come with their own set of expectations, and for many, pleasing family is the hardest pattern to break. This is especially true in cultures with strong collectivist values. In many Asian families, for instance, children are taught from a young age to respect elders, avoid open conflict, and maintain family harmony. The Confucian value of filial piety – a deep respect and duty toward one’s parents and ancestors – is a core virtue in East Asian cultures. Showing love in this context often means putting family first, sometimes at the cost of personal desires. As a result, Asian-identified individuals may feel intense pressure to meet everyone’s expectations – to be the dutiful child, the supportive sibling, the one who never says “no” to the family.
While being caring and respectful to family is beautiful, it can become unhealthy if taken to extremes. In such scenarios, you might find yourself constantly choosing family obligations over your own well-being or even your romantic relationship. For example, you may stay in a career or a marriage just because it pleases your parents, or you hide parts of your life (like your dating relationship, hobbies, or mental health struggles) to avoid upsetting them. Angela Wu describes how some feel forced to “choose between your family or your romantic partner” when the family’s expectations clash with personal happiness. It’s not uncommon for people in this bind to live a sort of double life – presenting one face to family to maintain approval, and another in private. This can lead to enormous stress and even estrangement, as some might sever ties or lie extensively just to carve out a little autonomy.
Another layer is the guilt and emotional burden that family-oriented people-pleasers carry. You might be the one everyone relies on – the eldest child who takes care of younger siblings, or the adult son/daughter who financially supports aging parents. You feel you can’t let them down. As a result, you rarely (if ever) ask for help or share your own struggles with family members. You may think, “They have so many problems of their own; I don’t want to add to their burden.” This often leads to feeling deeply lonely and unseen within your own family. You might trust your family with practical matters – like housing or education – but not with your emotional well-being. If you don’t feel safe expressing sadness, stress, or disagreement with your family, the relationship lacks the mutual trust and support that healthy families thrive on.
Cultural context matters: For many Asian Americans (and those from other collectivist cultures), there’s a constant balancing act between honoring your heritage and taking care of your individual needs. It can feel like any assertion of boundaries is “selfish” or “unfilial.” However, it’s important to remember that caring for yourself does not mean you care less for your family. In fact, by setting gentle boundaries, you often improve familial relationships in the long run – because you interact out of love, not obligation or resentment. For example, learning to respectfully say, “I have too much on my plate to handle that task, I’m sorry,” or to share with your parents, “I value your advice, but I also need to follow my own path in this situation,” can be scary. Yet, these honest conversations prevent larger rifts down the line. They also model to younger family members that it’s possible to love family and have healthy boundaries. I strive to help my clients work on finding this balance – preserving respect while reducing unhealthy self-sacrifice. Remember, your goal is not to rebel against family values, but to blend them with your mental health needs, finding a middle ground where you can be both respectful and authentic.
Why Do People Become People-Pleasers?
It’s clear that people-pleasing can strain relationships – but why do we do it, especially when it ultimately makes us unhappy? A big part of the answer lies in our early experiences and attachment styles. Attachment theory, developed by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, explains how our bond with caregivers in childhood shapes the way we connect with others in adulthood. If you grew up feeling secure and loved unconditionally, you likely developed a secure attachment. But if your emotional needs were inconsistently met – or you felt you had to “earn” love – you might have developed an insecure attachment (such as anxious or avoidant styles). These attachment styles heavily influence whether you turn to people-pleasing behaviors in relationships.
Anxious attachment and people-pleasing: Individuals with an anxious attachment style often crave closeness and fear abandonment. As adults, they might worry their partner or friends will leave them if they aren’t “perfect” or constantly agreeable. Research has found a strong association between anxious attachment and frequent people-pleasing behaviors. Essentially, pleasing others becomes a tool to maintain connection: “If I do everything they want, they won’t leave me.” This can lead to harmful self-sacrifice and conformity – ignoring your own boundaries or values just to keep someone close. For instance, an anxiously attached person might tolerate disrespect or agree to unhealthy demands in a relationship due to the overwhelming fear of losing that connection. Unfortunately, this strategy often backfires, leading to insecure relationships, low satisfaction, and even more anxiety in the long run. The constant self-abandonment can erode your sense of identity and self-worth over time.
Avoidant attachment and people-pleasing: It might sound counterintuitive – avoidantly attached individuals are known for valuing independence and distance, not closeness. However, avoidant people can also engage in people-pleasing, but for a different reason. Rather than fear of abandonment, they fear emotional intimacy. They might comply or go along with things in order to avoid deeper emotional discussions or conflicts. One therapist explains that an avoidant partner may people-please “to make the discomfort of a disagreement go away,” finding relief when the other person is appeased. In other words, if their partner is momentarily happy, the avoidant individual doesn’t have to deal with messy, vulnerable feelings – they can maintain distance. In both anxious and avoidant cases, people-pleasing is used as a shield against vulnerability: anxious types use it to avoid rejection, avoidant types use it to avoid emotional engulfment. Sadly, this means neither is truly addressing the deeper needs in the relationship.
Early trauma and “fawning”: Some people-pleasing tendencies go beyond attachment style and stem from trauma. You may have heard of the fight/flight/freeze responses to threat – but there’s a fourth called fawn, which is essentially please and appease. Fawning is when a person deals with conflict or danger by trying to satisfy the other person to stay safe. For example, a child of an angry or abusive parent might learn that the best way to avoid harm is to be very well-behaved, helpful, and never complain – effectively becoming a caretaker to the parent’s feelings. This pattern can carry into adult relationships, where you habitually appease others whenever you feel afraid of anger or discord. In fact, research shows fawning is a common trauma response, especially in those who experienced childhood abuse – the individual appeases as a way to create a false sense of safety. If you relate to this, know that these behaviors were a clever survival strategy in a difficult environment. Now, however, they may be keeping you in a prison of false harmony and preventing true intimacy.
Understanding these roots – whether attachment-related or trauma-related – is crucial. It’s not about blaming your parents or the past, but about recognizing where your fear of asserting yourself began. Perhaps you learned early on that love was conditional, based on performance or obedience. Maybe you were praised for being a “good kid” when you pleased others, or punished (or emotionally withdrawn from) when you didn’t. Those experiences planted a belief in you that saying “no” or being different would risk the relationship. The encouraging news is that attachment styles can evolve. With conscious effort and possibly the help of a therapist, people can move toward a more secure attachment, where they feel worthy of love and comfortable asserting boundaries. This is where therapeutic approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy can be incredibly helpful.
Healing People-Pleasing Patterns with Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT)
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is a well-researched approach to help couples (and individuals) break unhealthy relationship patterns by focusing on attachment needs and emotions. EFT, developed in the 1980s by Dr. Sue Johnson, is grounded in the idea that humans need secure emotional bonds. When those bonds feel threatened (as when one partner is distant, or one is people-pleasing and hiding their true self), we go into negative cycles. For a people-pleaser and their partner, a classic cycle might be: one always yields and suppresses feelings (to avoid conflict), while the other grows frustrated by the lack of openness – leading to more demands or distance, which in turn makes the pleaser more anxious and compliant. EFT can help by making these patterns visible and guiding the couple to change them.
In EFT, a therapist helps each partner tune into their deeper emotions and fears. For someone with people-pleasing habits, this might uncover feelings like, “I’m afraid you’ll stop loving me if I’m not perfect,” or “When you seem upset, I panic and feel I have to fix it.” Meanwhile, their partner might reveal, “I feel shut out, like you won’t let me in,” or “I sometimes worry you don’t trust me with your true feelings.” Through guided conversations, the couple begins to see that the enemy is not each other, but the negative cycle they’ve fallen into. The pleaser learns to share vulnerabilities and assert needs in a safe environment, and their partner learns to respond with reassurance rather than frustration. Over time, this builds a new pattern of communication based on honesty and empathy. In essence, EFT works to repair insecure attachment bonds and foster secure ones. In fact, a 2019 meta-analysis of EFT over 19 years found it to be an effective, evidence-based therapy for improving relationship satisfaction and attachment security in couples.
For Asian-identified individuals worried about maintaining cultural values, EFT can be adapted to respect those, too. A skilled EFT or couples counselor will acknowledge the importance of family, respect, and harmony in your life. They won’t push you to become a different person who suddenly confronts everyone. Instead, they’ll help you find balance, much like the character Rachel in Crazy Rich Asians achieved – honoring family and herself. For instance, in therapy, you might practice ways to express your love and respect for your parents while gently establishing boundaries that protect your marriage. Or if you’re in couples counseling, you and your partner might learn how to support each other in front of your families, presenting a united and respectful front that doesn’t compromise your mutual needs. The goal is to create emotionally honest relationships that align with your values. You don’t have to abandon your cultural ideals of caring for others – rather, you expand them to include caring for yourself as a valid and important part of the equation.
Practical Strategies to Overcome People-Pleasing
Breaking free from people-pleasing is a gradual process, but it begins with awareness and small steps. Here are some practical strategies and tips to help you recognize and overcome unhealthy people-pleasing patterns, while still being the kind and respectful person you aspire to be:
1. Recognize the Signs and Triggers
Start by noticing when and with whom you tend to people-please. Awareness is the first step to change. Some signs:
Difficulty saying “no”: Do you frequently say yes to requests or invitations you actually want to decline? People-pleasers often agree to things out of fear of disappointing others.
Porous boundaries: You might let others dictate your time, energy, or even personal choices. For example, you answer work emails at 10pm or change your plans last minute to accommodate someone – and feel you had to.
Constant apologizing: Do you find yourself saying “I’m sorry” even when you haven’t done something wrong? Excessive apologizing can indicate you’re taking on blame to keep others comfortable.
Low sense of self: If someone asks your opinion, do you defer with “I’ll do/like whatever you want”? Struggling to identify your own preferences (from what movie to watch to bigger life decisions) may signal that you’re overly focused on others’ approval.
Physical and emotional burnout: Pay attention to feelings of exhaustion, anxiety, or resentment. If you’re always drained or quietly angry because your needs aren’t met, your people-pleasing behavior might be in overdrive.
Once you start recognizing these patterns, reflect on triggers. Does it happen mostly with authority figures (boss, parent), with your spouse, or in social groups? Knowing where your people-pleasing shows up most will help you target where to practice new behaviors.
2. Challenge the Beliefs Behind People-Pleasing
People-pleasing often rests on deep beliefs like “If I don’t keep everyone happy, I will be rejected or cause harm”. Gently question these thoughts. Ask yourself:
“What am I afraid will happen if I say no or speak my mind?” Write down the fear. Is it that your friend will be mad? That your partner will stop loving you? Seeing it on paper helps you evaluate if it’s rational or if it’s an old fear from childhood.
“Do the people who matter to me truly want a perfect doormat, or do they want a real person?” Consider how you’d feel if the roles were reversed. You likely value loved ones because of who they are, not because they always agree with you. The same is true in reverse!
“Am I seeking external approval to feel good about myself?” Many people-pleasers base their self-worth on praise from others. Try to remind yourself that you are worthy even when you’re not serving others 24/7.
You can also follow Angela Wu’s advice and ask yourself some hard questions to uncover your motives: For instance, “Am I doing this (favor/agreement) because I truly want to, or because I’d feel guilty or afraid if I don’t?”. Be honest. If guilt or fear is the driver, recognize that as a people-pleasing script you’re allowed to rewrite.
3. Start Setting Small Boundaries
Setting boundaries is difficult for people-pleasers, especially in cultures or families that don’t encourage it. So, start small and practice. A boundary can be as simple as declining a request or stating your preference. Some actionable ways to begin:
Use the “pause technique”: When someone asks you for something, resist the reflexive “Sure, no problem!” Instead, pause and buy yourself time. Say, “Let me check my schedule and get back to you,” or “I need a moment to think about that.” This gives you space to consider if you genuinely want to say yes.
Practice saying no in low-stakes situations: Try turning down a small request or invitation that you don’t want. It could be as simple as declining a hangout when you’re tired, or not answering a non-urgent work call after hours. Keep your tone polite but firm. For example: “Thanks for inviting me, but I need to rest this evening.” No long excuse is needed. Remember, “No” is a complete sentence.
Set a boundary and hold it: Identify one area where you feel overextended. It might be setting a cutoff time for answering texts at night, or telling a family member you won’t discuss a certain topic that stresses you out. Communicate this boundary clearly and calmly. Example: “I appreciate your concern, but I’ve decided not to talk about my dating life in detail. I’ll share updates when I’m comfortable.” It might feel uncomfortable at first, but notice that the world doesn’t end when you set a limit. In fact, others often adapt when they see you respecting yourself.
Each time you set a boundary, no matter how small, celebrate it. It’s a win for your emotional health. Over time, these small boundaries build your “assertiveness muscle,” so you can tackle bigger ones, like discussing the division of chores with your spouse or telling your parents you’re pursuing a career you want rather than the one they prefer. And remember the research: setting boundaries and advocating for your needs are key parts of healing from people-pleasing. It enables you to form more secure attachments with others, where you’re liked for who you are, not just what you do for others.
4. Communicate Your Needs Openly (One Step at a Time)
Healthy communication is the antidote to the secrecy and suppression that characterize people-pleasing. It might feel foreign or scary to start expressing your needs and feelings, but you can take it step by step:
Use “I” statements to express feelings: Instead of hiding your emotions, practice sharing them in a non-accusatory way. For example, “I felt hurt when our plans changed last minute,” or “I feel overwhelmed and need some help with these tasks.” This invites understanding and problem-solving, rather than conflict.
Express preferences in low-risk situations: If you’re used to saying “I’m fine with anything,” challenge yourself to voice a preference occasionally – what to eat, what movie to watch, etc. Start in a context where the outcome isn’t critical, to build confidence. You might tell your partner, “Actually, I’d love to eat Thai tonight,” even if you usually defer to their choice. Positive experiences here will reinforce that voicing your needs is safe.
Schedule honest talks in your relationship: If you have a tendency to bottle things up with your spouse or partner, consider a routine check-in. For instance, a weekly “coffee chat” where each of you shares if anything is bothering you or any needs aren’t met. In that dedicated space, practice speaking up (and encourage your partner to do the same). You might be surprised how this regular communication prevents resentment from piling up.
Practice assertive scripts: It can help to have some go-to phrases. For declining requests: “I’m sorry, I won’t be able to.” For stating needs: “It’s important to me that we…,” or “I would appreciate it if…”. For handling pushback: “I understand this is different from what you’re used to, but this is what I need to be healthy.” If you worry about language coming off as too harsh (especially when talking to elders or in cultural contexts), you can add warmth: “I really value our relationship, and to keep it strong I realize I need to be honest about my feelings…” The key is that you voice your truth.
Remember, effective communication is a skill, and like any skill, it improves with practice. If face-to-face is too hard initially, you might write a letter or text to convey your thoughts – but aim to progress to verbal dialogue, which allows for back-and-forth understanding. As you communicate more openly, you’ll likely find that most people respond better than your fears predicted. And if a few don’t – that’s important information, too (truly caring friends/family will respect reasonable boundaries; if someone consistently doesn’t, the relationship may need reevaluation or professional help).
5. Honor Your Cultural Values in a Healthy Way
For those from collectivist or family-centered cultures, you might worry that setting boundaries or prioritizing yourself is “selfish” or “un-Asian.” It’s important to reframe this: there is a big difference between selfishness and self-respect. You can still honor values like respect, community, and family – while not sacrificing your mental health. Some tips:
Redefine respect: True respect in a family or relationship means considering each other’s feelings. If you respectfully express your needs, you are actually inviting more genuine respect between you and your loved ones. Hiding your feelings can sometimes lead to deceit or explosive conflict later, which is more disrespectful to the relationship.
Use culturally resonant language: When talking to family, you can frame boundaries in terms of collective good. For example, “I want our family to stay close, and for that to happen I realize I need to be honest about what I can handle. I don’t want to build up resentment. So I’d like to talk about a change…”. This links your personal need to the goal of family harmony, which elders might understand.
Seek culturally competent support: Sometimes, discussing these issues with a therapist who understands your cultural background can be immensely helpful. They can help you brainstorm ways to navigate filial expectations while still growing as an individual.
Remember you’re unlearning generations of patterns: Asian cultures (and others) have survived through strong family loyalty and self-sacrifice. Shifting your role doesn’t mean you reject that history – you’re simply updating it for your well-being. Think of it this way: you’re ensuring you don’t burn out so that you can continue caring for loved ones in a sustainable way. It’s about finding a healthy equilibrium between “we” and “me.”
6. Consider Professional Help if Needed
If people-pleasing is deeply ingrained or causing significant distress in your life, don’t hesitate to reach out for professional support. A therapist – especially one trained in couples work or familiar with your cultural context – can provide guidance tailored to you. Therapies like cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) can help challenge thought patterns, and as discussed, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) can help couples reshape their interaction patterns to be more authentic and secure. According to PsychCentral, working with a therapist can help you form healthier, secure attachments and learn to set boundaries and advocate for your needs. Sometimes just having a neutral party validate your feelings and coach you through tough conversations can accelerate your growth. There’s no shame in seeking help; it’s a brave step toward more fulfilling relationships.
If therapy isn’t accessible, consider reputable self-help books on assertiveness or attachment, or even online forums and communities. Some people find help in mindfulness and self-compassion practices – learning to sit with the discomfort of someone’s disapproval, for instance, and realizing it won’t break you. The journey may have ups and downs, but every step you take to honor your needs as much as others’ is building a healthier relationship future.
Conclusion: Toward Healthier, More Authentic Relationships
Overcoming people-pleasing is challenging, especially when it’s tied to our earliest attachments and cultural identity. But the payoff is profound: more honest and fulfilling relationships, and a stronger sense of self. Imagine being in a marriage where you feel safe to say what you really feel – and your partner loves you because you’re real. Or friendships where you give and receive support equally, without walking on eggshells. Or a family dynamic where respect goes both ways and you can be a devoted son/daughter without betraying your own heart. This vision is achievable with patience and effort.
Remember that you’re not changing from “nice” to “mean” – you’re changing from overextending to finding balance. As you practice these skills, let close ones know what you’re doing. You might say, “I’m working on being more honest about my feelings, and it’s hard for me because I’m so used to staying quiet. I hope you’ll understand and support me in this.” Most loved ones will respond with encouragement. Some may be a bit surprised or even resistant at first (change can be unsettling), but consistency is key. When they see the happier, more relaxed you that emerges, they’ll likely appreciate the new dynamic.
Lastly, keep your cultural values in your heart – they make you the caring person you are. Emotionally Focused Therapy doesn’t ask you to drop those values; it helps you prevent the negative extremes of them. You can be the compassionate Asian American daughter who supports her parents and the one who sets healthy limits on what she can give – these can coexist. One could argue that honest communication enhances filial respect because you’re treating your family as mature individuals who can handle the truth, rather than hiding things from them out of pity or fear.
Key Takeaways:
People-pleasing might feel like keeping the peace, but it often undermines trust, intimacy, and authenticity in the long run.
In romantic relationships, it can create distance and resentment, as partners never get to know the “real” you. True love requires vulnerability, not constant compliance.
In friendships, always accommodating others can lead to one-sided relationships. Real friends want you to be happy too – they won’t vanish if you set the occasional boundary.
Family and cultural expectations (such as filial piety in Asian cultures) can intensify people-pleasing. It’s possible to honor your family while still honoring yourself – through respectful boundary-setting and open dialogue.
Attachment theory shows that people-pleasing is often rooted in an insecure attachment (anxious or avoidant) formed in childhood. Recognizing this can help you have compassion for yourself and work towards a more secure style.
Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) and other counseling approaches can be very effective in shifting people-pleasing patterns, especially for couples. They focus on creating a secure bond where both partners can express their needs safely.
Action Step: Start small – say no once this week, or tell someone how you really feel about something minor. Notice that you survive it! Gradually build up to addressing bigger issues.
Action Step: Reflect on what you want and need. Journal about it. This builds the muscle of recognizing your own voice, which is the first thing people-pleasing muffles.
Action Step: If fear and guilt feel overwhelming, consider reaching out to a professional. You deserve support too. You can contact me for a free 20-minute video consultation, and I would be happy to help you get connected to the right resource.
Breaking the people-pleasing habit is not about flipping a switch; it’s about rebalancing your relationships day by day. By valuing yourself as much as you value others, you create relationships that are more equal, caring, and sustainable. You’ll likely find that the people who truly matter in your life want you to take care of yourself – and those who don’t respect that boundary might not be the healthiest influences anyway. In the end, freeing yourself from the compulsion to please everyone will allow you to show up as a more genuine, loving partner, friend, and family member. And that authenticity is the foundation of any strong relationship. Here’s to healthier connections and the courage to be yourself, unapologetically.
References:
Nelson, M. (2023). How People Pleasing Can Affect Relationships. Psychology Today. People-pleasing in intimate conversations can erode trust.
Moore, M. (2024). The Psychology Behind People Pleasing. PsychCentral. People-pleasers often sacrifice their own needs due to fear of abandonment, leading to burnout.
Wu, A. (2023). Why People-Pleasing is Ruining Your Relationships. Angela Wu Therapy Blog. Highlights cultural aspects of people-pleasing in Asian families and its impact on authenticity in relationships.
Li, X. (2022). How Attachment Theory Can Explain People-Pleasing Behaviors. Exploration Journal. Anxious attachment is linked to self-sacrificing people-pleasing and insecure relationships.
Smyth, T. (2021). Attachment Style and People-Pleasing. Psychology Today. Insecure or avoidant attachment can lead to denying one’s own needs to please others.
PsychCentral (2023). Fawning: Trauma Response. Research indicates “fawning” (extreme people-pleasing) often develops as a response to childhood trauma, to maintain a sense of safety.
Chen, F. (2021). Filial Piety and Mental Health in Asian American Families. Psychology Today. Filial piety is defined and discussed as a cultural value that can lead to difficulty in confronting family issues.
PsychCentral (2022). Emotional Dependency in Relationships. 2019 study noted emotional dependency can drive people-pleasing and fear of being alone in romantic relationships.
